Confusion...

I shy away from so many things now...
I don't know what will come next,
or what will set me off again.

I don't know much about anything,
And I don't understand why things are they way they are.
But, I can easily give advice like a sage a hundred years old.
I don't understand,

But I don't care.
None of it matters
or more likely I just stop bothering.
You calm me in a way that leaves me still a million different types of upset.

I lay in bed and think of you
You are so good to me
You amaze me
You are something I can't stop trying to comprehend.
I breath in and hold it

Then release.
My mind still jumbles and flies from corner to corner.
I think of you and see a glimpse of your face
I try to define it but it won't.
Inadvertently, I picture your puzzle piece that fits just right
I quickly move from that
That is not what I'm after.

I'm back to your face and it tries to give me definition.
I think of your pictures and its just not right
I want to see YOUR face,
not a replication

Then I think of your chin.
I can see your scruffy chin
I can almost picture nibbling it playfully
I chuckle to myself gleefully as I can understand the rest of your face
Remembering your chin to flow up and know the rest.

Your lips appear in my mind
A gasp almost escapes my lips
Your lips are so perfect
They resemble mine so much...
But they're yours all the way.

Yours begin a kiss on mine
and mine don't take a second to respond,
I know your every move.
I can feel your and my lips kissing
And my chest starts to ache as my eyes brim with wetness

I love you...

hmmm expanding one's writing skills

So as always I think role playign is good for your role play skills if you actually work at it. Its great practice. I had already mastered being a guy in role plays but one I had never tried was being a gay man. This took more effert then ever because I was a man that liked other men. Like how do gay guy's dance? Well luckily my partner in crime was a gay guy so I basically had some one leading me by the hand through this (not a bad idea) and indeed they dance like any one else. Note this was also hard cause well I don't dance with guys. I just have really bad luck with it. I'll dance with girls and I'll dance near guys but not with them. So yea this all was very helpful. I definately recomend doing something like this to the advanced writers but even they might want to start first by role playing the other sex first. Its best if you have a person who can judge if thats really how some one would act/think to roleplay with to correct you. But yea...

Messages...

As I sat crying this evening, over a boy who was my first love and heart break and now insists on stalking me and rubbing salt in the wounds he keeps opening back up, my dog laid with me the whole time. She just laid there at first, just company and when I started searching fervently for the only hope of finding said boy's number in an old phone book which I decided I had thrown out she just watched with concern. She waited silent. Not a word. Not a movement to comfort. Just sitting. Just being there. There where no one else was. There where I would not let any one else be. Finally I allowed myself to call my best friend, Jackie, that my mom calls my soul mate of the wrong gender. If one of us was a guy we'd be soul mates and marry and have a family but instead we're closer then sisters. We're there for each other when we need it. So I broke down on Jackie and after being interupted by a phone call for my mom I called her back and she helped me distract myself. Then once again a beep popped up and screamed at the phone then hung up with my dear friend once again. So I talked to a friend I've never met and he just nodded not knowing what the hell I was babbling about. Then out of the corner of my eye I saw my dog wag her tail. It was a 'I love you.' Period. Just I love you. Then after a few minutes it was, 'I love you for you, because you're my pack, because I love you and I wouldn't ever ask anything of you but alittle bit of your love back.' And most importantly it was 'Be happy.' And I had to admit there was so much to be happy about, but mostly of all, I had my dog. my dog that would never leave my side. My dog that was on guard immediately just by the slightest tense as I saw a guy who scared the crap out of me, today, and she just said, 'I'm here.' Its most simply the best thing to ever hear. I'm here. Nothing more nothing less. Cause saying I'm here for you is so demeening. The for you is so much better left un-said and understood. Because it shows that if you need to say it you're nervous which means you're not there 100%. You aren't there. You're wanting to be but you preserve yourself first.

This is one of the biggest reasons for my trauma. Because I'll give love like that to any one that will be there half as much. But you can't hurt me. You don't need to be there even just don't hurt me. Andrew keeps leaving messages with my friends basically saying come back to me I still love you, but he didn't it was all about him. He loved me cause I made him feel again, he said he made so many sacrifices for me and I never made any for him. In any working relationship you make sacrifices. He didn't realise who or what I was. I loved and still love him and thats why I can't hate him in a form. But each day its a reminder of how he hurt me over and over again. The worst was when he was mad that I cared more about my dog then him. I had told him that first it would seem that way cause I was uncomfortable at pony club functions and having a relationship in pony club made me uncomfortable. And second that I would always love my horse and my dog more. Because dear god, I've been hurt so many times. The one human I ever felt (this was wrong but it was what I thought) that would protect me and I was closest to was my big brother. But when I found out he smoked and didn't tell me I cried. He didn't tell me. I had been able to tell myself that he was saving me when he wouldn't take me away from my drunk and violent father, but from then on I couldn't help but feel like he wronged me too. And I feel like a fool cause I know I should trust better but all I did was love my family. This was how I saw it and now that I can see I was wrong it doesn't erase the scars. I still hurt. I still can't get close. The ones who took care of me were the animals. They never judged me. They always supported me. So why shouldn't I always love my dog more then my man. I gave him everything. I gave him every part of my being and yet I did nothing for him. This is why I dislike humans.

There was girl today who told me that I had hurt her and her friends because when I warned them that the class was going in I had yelled "Hey speds!" and nodded to the door. They were upset because they had been called speds. These girls are so selfish. I've watched them. They have no cares about the world. They only care about themselves and they got upset with me because I called them speds and once they had been made fun of because they were. I told her that I didn't think of it as an insult because I was once a sped. I was in special ed and you know that was all I had to say cause it was implied I was made fun of every single day. I even had a girl tell me I wasn't even worth walking on that I was lower then dirt. And I had a mental break down in 8th grade cause people were being nice to me. Because my whole class didn't hate me. And this is why when I turned away I had to wipe my eyes because how could she say I hurt her when she hurt so many still. Because what did she know of pain. I still don't have tons of friends. I have poeple I hang out with in school and thats it. I have tons of those and I do call them friends sort of but I never hang out with them out of school. Never. I don't hang out with poeple. I'm a loner and she and her friends are so ditzy and happy they're late after lunch almost every day. They're sitting on top of the world and yet they're hurt by something that was just a joke not suppose to hurt at all. They're hurting so bad they're gonna cry themselve's to sleep tonight. This is the cherry on top of my world. People like that.

WEEE!!!!

Well my thirty days are up! I'll probably never look at this again but who knows?! Although I might post my final at homes up here in the end but no more daily idears for you all!

Solid Liquid

Horse nuzzles and lips at the nozzle end as I hold it spraying water onto his muzzle. He plays in the water, loving every minute and I grin loving his joy. Nothing is much better then some one you love loving life. I let my hand slide down his neck to his shoulder feeling the muscle and wet hair. There is a certain texture to a horse’s wet hair. Its not quite like anything else in this world. Wet fur turned into liquid silk that’s more of a solid then a liquid. I try to spray his shoulder once more but he starts nuzzling the sprayer once more. This is my happy place...

Old Relations

I loved you once.
And I might have loved you still,
except you kept pushing.

You kept leaning,
I couldn't take it.
Especially when you want my dog gone.
You knew better then that.
You can't remove her from my side.

You blamed me,
You said I was a horrible girlfriend,
You told me you put up with so much!

I was your everything!
I was your life and breath.
You thought of marrying me.
You never wanted to let me go.
I was your sunshine.

Some would say that sounds wonderful.
Girls daydream of it all the time,
Till they find out for real.
Its only nice when its some one you like,
And even then when its in moderation.

I couldn't deal with it.
I was wonderful to you,
As you sucked away my life force.
You acted as a parasite,
Taking and never giving,
And I dealt with it,
Till I was on deaths door.

I never burdened you with my troubles,
I never stopped talking to you,
I told you everything,
And let you enjoy my life.

Now you won't stop seeking me,
Seeking my life,
You won't let me move on.
You traumatize me with this self hate.
Self hate for not loving you,
Self hate for hurting you.

Just let me go.
Its closing on a year.
Why?
When you have another,
Do you persist?
You love her you say,
But really you still love me.
You need to let go but you can't,
And I suffer for it.

Please,
Just let go...

Sick

ugh... Chest colds suck! And thats about as much enthusiasm I have left in me for today... I laugh because I still have my braids in from U.S. History when I was so bored I just started braiding and then later I just put my hair up... Well they're still there! I wanted chicken noodle soup cause that really does make me feel better but instead I'm stuck with turkey which doesn't work nearly as well... It helps but not like chicken noodle...