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As I sat crying this evening, over a boy who was my first love and heart break and now insists on stalking me and rubbing salt in the wounds he keeps opening back up, my dog laid with me the whole time. She just laid there at first, just company and when I started searching fervently for the only hope of finding said boy's number in an old phone book which I decided I had thrown out she just watched with concern. She waited silent. Not a word. Not a movement to comfort. Just sitting. Just being there. There where no one else was. There where I would not let any one else be. Finally I allowed myself to call my best friend, Jackie, that my mom calls my soul mate of the wrong gender. If one of us was a guy we'd be soul mates and marry and have a family but instead we're closer then sisters. We're there for each other when we need it. So I broke down on Jackie and after being interupted by a phone call for my mom I called her back and she helped me distract myself. Then once again a beep popped up and screamed at the phone then hung up with my dear friend once again. So I talked to a friend I've never met and he just nodded not knowing what the hell I was babbling about. Then out of the corner of my eye I saw my dog wag her tail. It was a 'I love you.' Period. Just I love you. Then after a few minutes it was, 'I love you for you, because you're my pack, because I love you and I wouldn't ever ask anything of you but alittle bit of your love back.' And most importantly it was 'Be happy.' And I had to admit there was so much to be happy about, but mostly of all, I had my dog. my dog that would never leave my side. My dog that was on guard immediately just by the slightest tense as I saw a guy who scared the crap out of me, today, and she just said, 'I'm here.' Its most simply the best thing to ever hear. I'm here. Nothing more nothing less. Cause saying I'm here for you is so demeening. The for you is so much better left un-said and understood. Because it shows that if you need to say it you're nervous which means you're not there 100%. You aren't there. You're wanting to be but you preserve yourself first.

This is one of the biggest reasons for my trauma. Because I'll give love like that to any one that will be there half as much. But you can't hurt me. You don't need to be there even just don't hurt me. Andrew keeps leaving messages with my friends basically saying come back to me I still love you, but he didn't it was all about him. He loved me cause I made him feel again, he said he made so many sacrifices for me and I never made any for him. In any working relationship you make sacrifices. He didn't realise who or what I was. I loved and still love him and thats why I can't hate him in a form. But each day its a reminder of how he hurt me over and over again. The worst was when he was mad that I cared more about my dog then him. I had told him that first it would seem that way cause I was uncomfortable at pony club functions and having a relationship in pony club made me uncomfortable. And second that I would always love my horse and my dog more. Because dear god, I've been hurt so many times. The one human I ever felt (this was wrong but it was what I thought) that would protect me and I was closest to was my big brother. But when I found out he smoked and didn't tell me I cried. He didn't tell me. I had been able to tell myself that he was saving me when he wouldn't take me away from my drunk and violent father, but from then on I couldn't help but feel like he wronged me too. And I feel like a fool cause I know I should trust better but all I did was love my family. This was how I saw it and now that I can see I was wrong it doesn't erase the scars. I still hurt. I still can't get close. The ones who took care of me were the animals. They never judged me. They always supported me. So why shouldn't I always love my dog more then my man. I gave him everything. I gave him every part of my being and yet I did nothing for him. This is why I dislike humans.

There was girl today who told me that I had hurt her and her friends because when I warned them that the class was going in I had yelled "Hey speds!" and nodded to the door. They were upset because they had been called speds. These girls are so selfish. I've watched them. They have no cares about the world. They only care about themselves and they got upset with me because I called them speds and once they had been made fun of because they were. I told her that I didn't think of it as an insult because I was once a sped. I was in special ed and you know that was all I had to say cause it was implied I was made fun of every single day. I even had a girl tell me I wasn't even worth walking on that I was lower then dirt. And I had a mental break down in 8th grade cause people were being nice to me. Because my whole class didn't hate me. And this is why when I turned away I had to wipe my eyes because how could she say I hurt her when she hurt so many still. Because what did she know of pain. I still don't have tons of friends. I have poeple I hang out with in school and thats it. I have tons of those and I do call them friends sort of but I never hang out with them out of school. Never. I don't hang out with poeple. I'm a loner and she and her friends are so ditzy and happy they're late after lunch almost every day. They're sitting on top of the world and yet they're hurt by something that was just a joke not suppose to hurt at all. They're hurting so bad they're gonna cry themselve's to sleep tonight. This is the cherry on top of my world. People like that.