Messages...

As I sat crying this evening, over a boy who was my first love and heart break and now insists on stalking me and rubbing salt in the wounds he keeps opening back up, my dog laid with me the whole time. She just laid there at first, just company and when I started searching fervently for the only hope of finding said boy's number in an old phone book which I decided I had thrown out she just watched with concern. She waited silent. Not a word. Not a movement to comfort. Just sitting. Just being there. There where no one else was. There where I would not let any one else be. Finally I allowed myself to call my best friend, Jackie, that my mom calls my soul mate of the wrong gender. If one of us was a guy we'd be soul mates and marry and have a family but instead we're closer then sisters. We're there for each other when we need it. So I broke down on Jackie and after being interupted by a phone call for my mom I called her back and she helped me distract myself. Then once again a beep popped up and screamed at the phone then hung up with my dear friend once again. So I talked to a friend I've never met and he just nodded not knowing what the hell I was babbling about. Then out of the corner of my eye I saw my dog wag her tail. It was a 'I love you.' Period. Just I love you. Then after a few minutes it was, 'I love you for you, because you're my pack, because I love you and I wouldn't ever ask anything of you but alittle bit of your love back.' And most importantly it was 'Be happy.' And I had to admit there was so much to be happy about, but mostly of all, I had my dog. my dog that would never leave my side. My dog that was on guard immediately just by the slightest tense as I saw a guy who scared the crap out of me, today, and she just said, 'I'm here.' Its most simply the best thing to ever hear. I'm here. Nothing more nothing less. Cause saying I'm here for you is so demeening. The for you is so much better left un-said and understood. Because it shows that if you need to say it you're nervous which means you're not there 100%. You aren't there. You're wanting to be but you preserve yourself first.

This is one of the biggest reasons for my trauma. Because I'll give love like that to any one that will be there half as much. But you can't hurt me. You don't need to be there even just don't hurt me. Andrew keeps leaving messages with my friends basically saying come back to me I still love you, but he didn't it was all about him. He loved me cause I made him feel again, he said he made so many sacrifices for me and I never made any for him. In any working relationship you make sacrifices. He didn't realise who or what I was. I loved and still love him and thats why I can't hate him in a form. But each day its a reminder of how he hurt me over and over again. The worst was when he was mad that I cared more about my dog then him. I had told him that first it would seem that way cause I was uncomfortable at pony club functions and having a relationship in pony club made me uncomfortable. And second that I would always love my horse and my dog more. Because dear god, I've been hurt so many times. The one human I ever felt (this was wrong but it was what I thought) that would protect me and I was closest to was my big brother. But when I found out he smoked and didn't tell me I cried. He didn't tell me. I had been able to tell myself that he was saving me when he wouldn't take me away from my drunk and violent father, but from then on I couldn't help but feel like he wronged me too. And I feel like a fool cause I know I should trust better but all I did was love my family. This was how I saw it and now that I can see I was wrong it doesn't erase the scars. I still hurt. I still can't get close. The ones who took care of me were the animals. They never judged me. They always supported me. So why shouldn't I always love my dog more then my man. I gave him everything. I gave him every part of my being and yet I did nothing for him. This is why I dislike humans.

There was girl today who told me that I had hurt her and her friends because when I warned them that the class was going in I had yelled "Hey speds!" and nodded to the door. They were upset because they had been called speds. These girls are so selfish. I've watched them. They have no cares about the world. They only care about themselves and they got upset with me because I called them speds and once they had been made fun of because they were. I told her that I didn't think of it as an insult because I was once a sped. I was in special ed and you know that was all I had to say cause it was implied I was made fun of every single day. I even had a girl tell me I wasn't even worth walking on that I was lower then dirt. And I had a mental break down in 8th grade cause people were being nice to me. Because my whole class didn't hate me. And this is why when I turned away I had to wipe my eyes because how could she say I hurt her when she hurt so many still. Because what did she know of pain. I still don't have tons of friends. I have poeple I hang out with in school and thats it. I have tons of those and I do call them friends sort of but I never hang out with them out of school. Never. I don't hang out with poeple. I'm a loner and she and her friends are so ditzy and happy they're late after lunch almost every day. They're sitting on top of the world and yet they're hurt by something that was just a joke not suppose to hurt at all. They're hurting so bad they're gonna cry themselve's to sleep tonight. This is the cherry on top of my world. People like that.

WEEE!!!!

Well my thirty days are up! I'll probably never look at this again but who knows?! Although I might post my final at homes up here in the end but no more daily idears for you all!

Solid Liquid

Horse nuzzles and lips at the nozzle end as I hold it spraying water onto his muzzle. He plays in the water, loving every minute and I grin loving his joy. Nothing is much better then some one you love loving life. I let my hand slide down his neck to his shoulder feeling the muscle and wet hair. There is a certain texture to a horse’s wet hair. Its not quite like anything else in this world. Wet fur turned into liquid silk that’s more of a solid then a liquid. I try to spray his shoulder once more but he starts nuzzling the sprayer once more. This is my happy place...

Old Relations

I loved you once.
And I might have loved you still,
except you kept pushing.

You kept leaning,
I couldn't take it.
Especially when you want my dog gone.
You knew better then that.
You can't remove her from my side.

You blamed me,
You said I was a horrible girlfriend,
You told me you put up with so much!

I was your everything!
I was your life and breath.
You thought of marrying me.
You never wanted to let me go.
I was your sunshine.

Some would say that sounds wonderful.
Girls daydream of it all the time,
Till they find out for real.
Its only nice when its some one you like,
And even then when its in moderation.

I couldn't deal with it.
I was wonderful to you,
As you sucked away my life force.
You acted as a parasite,
Taking and never giving,
And I dealt with it,
Till I was on deaths door.

I never burdened you with my troubles,
I never stopped talking to you,
I told you everything,
And let you enjoy my life.

Now you won't stop seeking me,
Seeking my life,
You won't let me move on.
You traumatize me with this self hate.
Self hate for not loving you,
Self hate for hurting you.

Just let me go.
Its closing on a year.
Why?
When you have another,
Do you persist?
You love her you say,
But really you still love me.
You need to let go but you can't,
And I suffer for it.

Please,
Just let go...

Sick

ugh... Chest colds suck! And thats about as much enthusiasm I have left in me for today... I laugh because I still have my braids in from U.S. History when I was so bored I just started braiding and then later I just put my hair up... Well they're still there! I wanted chicken noodle soup cause that really does make me feel better but instead I'm stuck with turkey which doesn't work nearly as well... It helps but not like chicken noodle...

Out Riding

Dogwoods protected for years almost grace the tree tops. White flowers in a world of green and brown. Butterflies that seem to be made from dogwood petals flutter past as we pass. Nevermind you, they're on a lazy mission for nectar. I sit back in mid jump barely keeping from knocking my horse off his course as one flies infront of my face. We come to a walk and I gaze at the grass as if I were a starving horse. Its that goregous, nutritious green of spring grass that only pops up in the best of land. This is haven. But its a shrunken haven because just ten feet away is an end to the woods. There area is developing and closing off. This slice of happiness is an island surrounded by sea water. Pretty on the top but choking and bad for life, other then itself.

McCarthy is gay. Literally.

Joesph McCarthy was gay. Of course I picked him for my project after my teacher told me tooo. At the time I had no clue who he was. Now what the hell do you think is going to be in my power point? Of course theres going to be rainbows, and flaming hot pink and everything else I can think up that is gay. Its a fact. I thrive on making fun of people who put themselves out in public eye that might try to conceal something like that....

Don't get mad. Get glad.

So on the back of a glad garbage bag box there are instructions on how to close the trash bag then take it out of the trash can and throw it out. Why don't they have instructions on how to open the bag and place it in the trash can? They really should fix that. Preferably to take off the instructions... I think it came about cause they needed some good looking design for the box.... I'm not positive but how do you sue for a garbage bag not coming out of the trash can right? I mean thats the only reason I've seen for stupid instructions... God this world is sad...

Life & Strawberries

The round heart shape of the strawberry with green leaves gracing the sides makes me smile. A box of strawberries represents spring, which in turn represents life. And life to me is the happiest thing in this world. Life is my dog, my horse, and especially my pony. My dog lives life in innocences, my horse lives life in acceptances, and my pony lives life! No matter what it throws at him, he lives. My role models of life and happiness. They're strawberries.

Musk Rats.....

So the jack russles got a musk rat today. This was the second time I've had a live, wild, never been near humans in its whole life animal lay at my feet waiting as I beat those damn dogs off of it with a riding crop... It was amazing. This tiny, musk rat beat up 5 jack russles. These are good rat, groundhog, and even coon, jack russles. I mean if two of them can take one a coon pretty well five of them should definately be able to kill anything else that comes in they're way, but this tiny musk rat didn't get a hurt at all. It was missing a couple of patches of fur. Thats it! And beleive me I was rather close cause at one point I was squating down next to it. I could have easily pet it if I had wanted to. The Jack russles had actually gotten beaten up. Ber ber is the worst of all. She has a gash on the back of her leg and her face is all cut up. Luckily there were no puncture wounds.

Passion

Green and brown of life surrounds us on all sides. I hang half out of the saddle as I dodge and slip around the treacherous leaves reaching to slather their itching rash oil onto my skin. I slide back into my saddle never loosing balance as my horse carefully trots down the path slipping past twigs and branches as water flows around a rock in a stream. The end is not of thought, nor is the begining, because this is just about us. We are one and yet two. We are a team once again. THIS is my passion. There is no other word for it. My passion. To ride. Not the little steps and dances that competions ask of us. There is no agility to those. Cross country in the hrose world is nice manicured tracks with brush jumps and ramps. It is not true cross country. It is not the pony express. Its not a boy riding fast as the wind to get to his mother's side. It is not the tale of a knight riding his one true companion to be by his lady's side long hard war. I want to be put through real tests. I don't want to ride for endurance. I want to come upon obsticals and jump them as if I were jumping the moon. I want to push my talent to its limit! I want to show the world what a horse really can do.

Waiting

Waiting paitently beside the phone,
Your call would be the one,
That I long for,
Thus tormenting myself so...

Just to hear your sweet voice again.
Just to know,
I would again feel your sweet body,
And kiss your sweet lips,
Thus feeling your sweet love,
Once a'more...

To know I was your's
And belong to some one,
Because then I knew,
Some one wanted me.
Knowing some cared about me.



I might work with this later... I have no clue though. Ha Haa... I worked on it some more actually...

Day off was yesterday!

Yesterday I had a major melt down so that became my day off....

Pink

When I was little pink was my favorite color. As I got older I changed over to blue. I still have a soft spot for blue but, then I changed to black, and gray is always good, and now though its so many colors. I like pink once more and start to like purple, green is still hiding in the back ground, but the one color I still don't like is orange. Orange is a good fruit and a lovely juice but as a color I can do with out. I don't feel for yellow as much either, but a yellow flower is kinda catching. Red goes with black and i don't mind it so its not that I just don't like warm colors, its just orange is so orange. And Mr. Wilson doesn't like the pink highlighter! He didn't assign it a job! Does he think its not worthy of a job?! Is he calling it stupid?! It is a blonde's best friend but, we all know blonde's aren't stupid! Mr. Wilson is insulting pink and blondes! OMG!!!!

(Seriously thats all a joke but Mr.Wilson seriously didn't assign pink a job in this short story manuscript.)

People

People are evil beings. They hurt each other constinatly and on purpose. Its disgusting how we think we're right and everyone else is wrong. I sound so hypicritical but I don't care cause I hate myself sometimes for this... I love animals for the reason that they are always there for you. No matter what.

Post-Prom

Well prom was awsome! It was alot of fun and I met an awsome girl from falston. Heres the typical life sucks though. I only danced with one guy the whole freaking night and that was a guy I use to like who's girlfriend was the falston girl. He didn't even dance to the whole song with me. It was sweet of him though. My best guy friend I didn't even get to talk to really cause this bitch decided he was her and some other girl's date. When I had been talking to him they had been off doing other stuff and I was definately not impeding them from talking to him. I love him as a friend but thats it. I was not gonna stop any other girl from doing anything with him. So instead of getting kicked out because I probably wouold have gotten into it with the girl if I had told her to bugger off I went off and had a real damper on prom. This is the only prom I'm going to ever have here. I'm moving in two and half months. Five days after schools out I'm moving to Kentucky. So I'm alittle pissed at this girl... Sorry for the sucky post for today but I'm in no mood to write about anything else...

Prom

Busily bustling around like a psyco path trying not to hurt the nails. Can't mess them up they were 35 dollars in the end. Run, run get the make-up, hair, any thing else you need. Make sure you have stuff for spending the night!

Feet

Feet are not the most respected things, even though they're awsome. You depend so much on your feet. Its surprising we don't have a national feet day. They supoort you and give you balance. You walk all over with them. My favorite thing about feet though is that print you make on linolium after getting out of the shower. Microscopic water droplets line your foot print in a perfect shape. Its amazing!

Make up for the other day!

Pain

The high of coming off pain
Its better then any other high
And can't be detected by
Any machines.

Because its relief.
It makes you giddy,
You feel happy as can be,
And invicible to the world!

No one can hurt you,
Because you've been through it already!

Make up for the other day...

Sick

I was really really sick the past few days. So much so that I didn't feel good enough to sit infront of the computer so I'll do all my posts today. How ever I'm going to use one of those as my day off as well...

Hall way madness

A solution to our hall way madness.

Little pod cars zooming through the air. To turn right you go down grazying along the floor almost touching/ Need to turn left fly high and duck your head cause you're gonna become familiar with the cieling. In the class you just lower to the floor and turn your pod off cause its also your desk and if you lean forward and turn around in your see you can get into the back of your pod which is also your locker.